Adoption Loss Advice for Support People
“[Send] a care package with homemade chocolate chip cookies, [a supportive note or book on coping with loss,] and a package of paper plates…. I don’t know about you, but my grief doesn’t like to do dishes, so have a fucking paper plate!”
“Bring food…. without expecting any functional response. [One friend] got us a chicken and all the sides, and it was really yummy, and she got paper plates and she packed it all up and she came. She stayed for like 15 minutes and she was like, ‘this is just saying hello, here’s the whole thing,’ but she didn’t expect anything from us and that kind of basic assistance when something goes awry [is wonderful].”
‘“People might have really conflicting feelings [sometimes]. There can be a feeling of loss and also a feeling of relief simultaneously, for instance. Be able to support both.”
“((Channeling Bette Davis)) Fasten your seatbelt. (laughter) It’s just [gonna be] a bumpy ride.”
“Adoption loss is not death. It’s different…. I think, ‘Is that what it’s like when your spouse dies and you meet someone else that you really, really love?’ And let’s suppose you loved each equally, would [people] be like, “Oh, aren’t I glad [your] first partner died?” … How would you even think like that? It’s similar in that way.”
“I’m so excited to have [our second adopted child] in my life, and that would not have been the case had things moved forward [with our first adoption]. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love [our first child] or that I didn’t really care for him.”